Flap Blog

Also smokes…missles?

Debunk-a-dunked.

Kato

Before I wax poetic about what a historic night last night was, I need to say that I’m sick of this Obama love-fest. Sure i like the guy, he delivers a fine speech and provides hope that America’s government is truly in the hands of the people…an ideal that was questionable at best following the 2000 Palm Beach County - Supreme Court hijacking debacle. But we need to remember that the candidates on both sides of the aisle in both the Primaries and General election were far from ideal. Remember, Obama is a junior senator who has yet to show leadership on a national stage, but is fortunate enough to be the furthest thing from George W Bush at a time when the president’s popularity is lower than the odds of hitting a Hard-10 (5-5- son!) on back to back points with Drama no where in sight. But I digress…

Last night, Obama was lauded for running one of the most dominating and successful campaigns in American politics. Capitilizing on an unpopular incumbant president and a well-timed economic crash, Obama combined circumstance with a stunning internet-based grassroots funding and volunteer effort and turned that into a landslide Presidential election victory.

But a popular campaign does not a successful president make. The feel-good story is over people. Apparently we have to “get to work” (whatever that means):

1. The time for rhetoric and catchy campaign slogans is over.
2. The time for an aggressive economic policy is at hand (no that does not mean another economic stimulus check, although im sure no one here would mind a free trip to Vegas…). That includes raising interest rates after this credit crunch subsides next year to guard the dollar against inflation.
3. Healthcare - (I’m not even going to touch this one…good luck with all that)
4. An aggressive Environmental policy including the ratification of a new Kyoto type agreement, a emissions cap-and-trade system combined with an innovative carbon credit system, and tax breaks and subsidies for the carbon sequestration and other CO2 reducing industries. Dont be afraid people, this is the start of an entire new industry!!!!!!!! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ (5-5 son!)
5. Funding for charter schools and after-school tutorial/ youth center organizations that specialize in math science and probability (Probabiity of Boxcars after a hard 10???…Sent!)

I could go on. But in closing ill say i voted for him, im happy. But we shouldnt get too carried away that a guy we could all play poker with or a pick-up game of bball with happens to be in the white house.

In the true spirit of the Caesars lobby flap…lets not get ahead of ourselves. Even-keel…

“Is that her bone? ewwwwwwww”

McJameson

Lets step back for a second. It has been nearly 50 years since the civil rights movement. Today, we have elected a black president. An African-American in the truest form.

We stand at the door of a new age in our country. A nation built by and on the backs of settlers and immigrants. A country full of faults and accomplishments that makes even our most cynical recognize the beauty of our fragile, young nation. Last night, with an overwhelming sweeping victory, taking major swing states Ohio, Virginia, and Florida, our people have spoken. This is not merely a new chapter. This, here, is a brand new volume.

At the age of twelve, I remember asking my 7th grade teacher if he thought I would ever see a female or black president in my life time. Mr Melendez, a very well educated man and avid Clinton advocate, answered simply that it was quite possible.  That response wasn’t sufficient for me. There isn’t a minority or female candidate qualified for the position of commander in chief? I mean, I’m only twelve, but I’m sure you grown-ups can find someone. I know through history class, that America has changed dramatically since its birth as an independent nation - its documented! What’s the hold up. The best you can tell me is “Maybe”???

Perhaps he didn’t want to give false hope, but “maybe no-more”. My innocent inquiry is one my children will never have to ask. I am happy to have witnessed this day. And I am proud to be an American.

January 20th, 2009, Barack Obama will become the 44th President of the United States.

Kato

She exercised my right to vote.

Exercise yours.

Kato

So I met up with Black at the open bar at Calico Jack’s.  Let me say that Calico sucks now.  It’s been a while since we’ve been there but it was just a bad time.  Black’s text actually said “get here before i slit my wrists” and “i have my knife out.”  Safe to say we drank like a half a beer and bounced.  No reason to ever go back there really.  After Calico we hit Duke’s for another beer. Pretty uneventful there but we had some free shots. 

After leaving Duke’s we headed over to this place called Catbar? Catnip? Katwalk!  We were meeting up with one of Black’s coworkers.  Co-worker had a friend who was absolutly nuts, off the wall, crazy.  His nickname is Mayor Bloomberg, this dude knew everyone in the bar, talked to people in the streets, just a crazy personality. 

We leave this bar and are gonna head back to Mayor Bloomberg’s place to smoke some fine shit that he’s been talking about all night. Decide were lazy and we should hit a cab.  A cab is not good enough for Mayor Bloomberg though.  He hails a fucking limo.  Perfect limo.  Fits 4 people.  Couldnt have been more perfect.  It looked like the driver was gonna take off for a second but you cant drive away from Bloomberg.  We get back to the house, smoke some shit, some GOOD shit.  The only way to describe the taste was “purple.” You potheads out there know what im talking about.  Not purple haze, not purple soda, just purple.  Wind up shooting the shit for awhile, then taking off to get the Metro North home.  This is where shit gets weird.

Now I’ve taken the train since 1992, and ive seen the good and the bad of Metro North. I think i know what to expect when i get on the train.  Never did I expect this ride.  First off there was this tough guy conductor who was talking to these people who are obviously his buddies about how he was gonna kick this kids ass inside grand central.  This conductor though is like 4′9, fat, and a straight up douchbag.  Saying how he wishes the kid woulda hit him so he could bask his brains out and all this stupid shit, saying the kid was lucky the cops were around.  Talking shit basically.  Talking shit like right in my fucking ear though while im trying to mind my business, read a book and end a good night.

Next topic the d-bag conductor start on is thier friend Coco who’s due to get on the train in the Bronx.  Conductor says to his friend, “Coco is getting on soon, hes wearing the same thing as yesterday, he never wears the same thing so we have to bust his chops.”  So im my head im thinking of some dude whose maybe wearing a suit and theyre gonna give him a hard time about wearing it 2 days in a row.  Wow, was I wrong.  I was dead wrong friends. 

“Coco” turned out to be the 6′5, black, transvestite that has been riding the Metro North for as long as I can remember. My best friend BFB knows who im talking about.  You see this guy on the train platform and you wanna jump in the tracks and end it all.  Well, Coco decides to sit in the 5 seater with me and random lady.  Not only does he/she think that sitting in my area is good, but he sits directly across from me.  This is when I saw it guys, I saw a UFO, an unidentified flapping object, a UFO.  Coco was wearing those boy shorts undies that chicks like now, a womans nighty, and a red feater boa.  And that was it.  And this wasnt a Halloween costume, this was the same outfit he was wearing two days in a row afterall. It was one of those double take things where you do not want to look the second time but your brain wont let you stop your eyes from moving.  Im not sure exactly what it was I saw but im just calling it a UFO.  Im scarred. For life.

Ill end with this last bit of info.  The poor lady who is in the five seater with me, I give her a look after Coco the Wonder Tranny gets off the train.  I can tell this lady doesnt wanna even deal with my shit, it is the 12 o’clock train after all.  But i need some sort of acknowlement that im not the only one who saw this freak of nature.  So I turn to the lady in my semi-drunken, mostly high state and sing a line from that T.I. song, I just sing to her, ”you can do whatever you like.”  She didnt even appreciate that.

So if you were wondering about the title of this little story its cause my day went from horrible to good, and I think I saw some guys nut.

Nice writing to you flappers, im gonna go burn my eyes with acid now.

–

Drama

Happy Halloween!!!

Thanks, Ireland! This one and St Patrick’s Day??? You’re too kind. Once known as the Celtic festival of Samhain, people believed on this day, the dead would come alive, causing sickness and damaged crops. This is only partially true today - you suffer from tooth decay and get sick in your stomach by ingesting an ungodly amount of sweets. At least your crops are untouched, except for those corn fields set aside for ethanol production.

Costumes and masks were originally worn to either ward off evil spirits or to blend in with them. Today, we celebrate this holiday by encouraging women to dress up like sluts and have somehow convinced them that this is acceptable! Additionally, by concealing our true identity for just one evening, hooking-up with random strangers is portrayed as an exciting opportunity - thus welcoming evil spirits into our underpants. Brilliant!

Now sure, there are plenty of costumes that are over done. Everyone at some point has gone as the porn-star police officer or the neighborhood whore nurse, but for a moment, consider something a little more creative.

That’s right gentlemen. Someone beat you to it. You knew Joe Six Pack was going to be a popular character this year but what you didn’t anticipate was that he actually exists. Sadly, those bottles are not being held by an adhesive. Joseph Wendt, 43 year old resident of Ashland, Kentucky, was born with this most peculiar deformation and has been unable to afford mandatory surgery. He suffers from being unable to wear T-shirts and is top-heavy. Although attempts have been made to surgically remove the foreign bodies, the bottles reappear quicker and thicker. Subsequently, Wendt has been struggling through an ongoing battle with alcoholism. 

He also drives a Volkswagen Trasporter.

Gas prices have been coming down within the past few weeks, but a costume reminding people of high fuel prices is still frightening. There has been a few models available for purchase, but if you have a moment, get handy and build yourself one from scratch. You can outfit a cardboard box with some paint and other inexpensive supplies that can be found at your local arts&crafts store. But lets take it a step further by adding a digital numeric display. Enter obscenely high gas prices at will throughout the night, while you haunt people in a drunken stupor or pre-program the device to toss eradic numbers by the minute, as you try to flirt your way to Wonder Woman’s Alphabet City apartment.  

A bit dangerous, but worth the risk, attach a container of gasoline to the inside of your costume, running a garden hose from it, and connect it to a working nozzle (now on sale at northerntool.com). Not only will you get compliments for being such an original but with any denials from the slew of hot Sarah Palins you’ll meet this Hallows Eve, you can wash the all down with real pipe-lined, Alaska gasoline. Superman that Ho!!!

Whatever you decide on being this holiday, be absolutely sure to have fun. Appreciate that even as an adult you can play dress-up and live up the excitement Tom Cruise had in Eyes Wide Shut. Just be careful not to get too creative.

 Kato